"The Long Night"
Everyone had bad days right? But didn't they have good ones too? Why did it seem her "good" days have gone on vacation? She was oddly not coming or going tonight. She was sitting on a window seat her back against the wall...well the pillow placed against the wall...and her feet on the padded seat...her unhurt cheek was resting against the window frame on one side and aqua twins where staring out into the darkness. One could hear the party from here, but she wasn't going. No, she wasn't having a pity party thing...and she wasn't being selfish "I won't go cause so and so is there" She wasn't being a spoil sport either. She just never was comfortable with big crowds and loud noises...especially with her over sensitive ears. And if she went she'd just watch everyone and people would think she was sulking.
No, she wanted to think. When she had a moment of peace. A drink might help with the pain, but she wouldn't...what if the next bad thing happened while she was drunk? No, we won't go there. Bad things always happened to her. Was it a punishment? What if she asked for help more? Would that help? No...she asked for help before and she was ignored. She had to fix things though. She couldn't live like this...no...thats wrong. She could live like this but she didn't want to. Sometimes she felt so lost in it all. In the span of a week she lost all the friends she seemed to have. Ohh they probably haven't been lost...but she felt as if they where. And it was her fault. She didn't even go to Ken's wedding! Maybe she was a hypocrite. She probably was. But don't you yourself always think the worst?
But anyway, we must figure out something. RhyDin would run out of bandages if this continued and she was tired of watching herself bleed, it was very disturbing. Maybe it was time for her to find someone, someone who gave her a back bone of her very own..... Maybe she should search out Vincent, that would be a good place to start...aye? But what if he couldn't give her what she needed? What did she need? What did she want? Maybe she really was a coward...maybe she was bitter....maybe she didn't deserve what she did have. A coward? Yes, she couldn't even stand up for herself against anyone. Time and time again that was proven. And it hurt, not physically...it hurt inside. Gods did it hurt... She was so bloody needy and she couldn't even defend herself. She tried so hard and she was such a failure. It just hurt and made her so mad.
As for bitter... Well, she wasn't bitter. She was sad and hurt that she couldn't do the things most needed for herself. But she had accepted it...she had to. Why? Well, because she had no choice. If one can't defend their self then they must not blame others. It's no ones fault except hers. How could she of been such a curse...a bane to the island then? How could she of done all that and not be able to keep a person from almost killing her? Maybe that's why she kept to herself. Maybe that's why she hadn't any close friends. The only female's who she considered friends where Titiana and Jade....and she got Titiana in trouble and jade had vanished. As for male friends? Well, she was never sure if they were friends or if they just wanted to get layed....It seemed more and more to her to be the second.
She was tired of it. If she never heard the word sex again it'd be too soon. Perhaps she was strange that way. But she meant it. No one asked though and so she never told, would they listen if she had? She felt so dirty..so used and so bloody dirty. She couldn't ever forgive herself for what she let happen to herself. Not ever. How could she expect anyone else to then? How could she think of trying to find someone when she loathed herself?
What ifs echoed in her mind painfully. There was no going back, there was no changing the past. Nothing she could do would ever make up for it. Memories were locked away but the door....it seemed to be paper thin and she could see holes in it. Little pin holes seeping memories like a leaky faucet. Why couldn't the memories leave like people did? But...did she really want them gone? She tried it before, but it was so....no she wouldn't want her memories to be gone....she just didn't want to think about them.
Aqua twins glimmered slightly liquid like before she blinked slowly and shifted. The sun would be rising in a few hours. Perhaps by then she'd find peace within. Not that she was getting her hopes up...it was too hard of a fall anymore. She felt old...and tired...and getting back up was getting harder and harder. She did it of course, because she had to. What choice did she have? She wasn't strong and she was left to fend for herself, when she fell and couldn't get up she was thought so badly of. A wimp...a coward....She doesn't care.....She's just looking for sympathy....She's lazy..... Why did it have to be so bloody hard? Why was she expected to do it all on her own?
Time and again she failed. Time and again she was looked down upon. What was expected of her? She wasn't perfect and she couldn't fix everything with Magic. All she had to do was stay up right? No...she had to stay up and lead a life that was acceptable. Get married? Have kids? She didn't know....what people told her and what people did was so different. And this marriage crap.... Wasn't it supposed to be sacred or was it just a word...a status symbol? No one ever explained anything to her. And when she guessed wrong....well that was unthinkable. Repulsive.
Every one was supposed to know everything right? They all seemed to of been born with a deep knowledge of everything but her? Well, she must have been real dumb in the womb because she left the knowledge in there.... She was getting a headache now. Maybe she should try to stop figuring stuff out and just continue to watch. Her heart seemed smarter then her head sometimes...but she didn't listen to it much....Why? Because everyone thought her heart was wrong. Which confused her all the more. Ohhh just forget it Blade. You'll never get it....
And now the sun was creeping up...casting the sky that beautiful splash of colors. It almost made life worth it to watch a new day born oh so slowly. Such a sight, it still took her breath away. How anything could be so perfect....Yes she still reveled in the life all around, her life in that one small black room would never be forgotten and the world would never be taken for granted of. It was so easily taken away.... And this sunrise was perfection, different from each day that came before. Yet the same in it's beauty and majesty. If she had one wish at all it would to of seen the very first sun rise ever. How wonderful it must have been......
Maybe today wont be so bad as yesterday. Which is what brought her here to think, especially since there was a party going on and everyone should be there. It's not she was avoiding them, She just thought it'd be better this way.... What way? Well, with no one here she couldn't possibly be bothering them or annoying them or anything of the like. She wouldn't even be noticed...or missed? Or whatever it was she always ended up doing when around people. Maybe that's why she's part animal, because she sucks with people relationships. A faint sigh was given and she continued to think as she let aqua twins slip closed.